On one of those disheartening days… when I was suffering from the lack of faith regarding certain facts in my life… when I stopped believing in adoration, and treated it as if it is poisoned built-in idea that should be disregarded …When I thought that all I can sense here, in the cancer center which I work for, and will always will is abhorrence and death… When I was certain about all that… I found love… standing with its head raised high, as if it was waiting for me, to declare, that in spite all the soreness and pain I see or feel or touch or face, it will always be there, and will always rise above all that… and will exist no matter how hard it was forced to be drawn away… I found it there… impersonated in the form of a man and woman… in the middle of their thirties…She laid her exhausted head on his shoulder, with her eyes closed and his hand hugging hers… and that was it… In that despicable place ,It is really awkward to have a direct eye contact with someone who's not wearing a badge, since that someone will be then either a patient or his/her loved ones, and the feelings that their eyes will transfer to you can be painful and unbearable, as you will be given an uncategorized mixture of feelings which will be squeezed all together in one pot with vague boundaries that, unquestionably, will crack your soul; as it is so hard for you to control your boomed emotions that accompany such a one-second acquaintance. Each eye you look at, can easily hand over fear, agony, weakness, anger, frustration, desperate hope, and hatred…all together… It can donate all that and more… But, the calmness that folded that area, in that moment in time, gave me the needed confidence to look straight to his eyes… All I have seen was love… no worries… no pain… no fear… just love… In that split second, his eyes spoken to mine, saying that "I am going nowhere…I am here…through the good times…and through the bad times…I am here…not because I HAVE to…but because I WANT to"… Love was there…I found it there…or maybe it found me...just to prove that I was wrong, and for the first time in my life, I am so happy that I am!!!
Yes…please do that… I want you to gaze at me…I want you to look intently…You are given the absolute authority to do that…and after that, I want you to hear me begging you … hear me imploring out loud, piercing your ears, deafening them…This is my command and you have to hear my call…You have to answer my inquiry… You were endorsed to peer, and now you are required to react according to that reliance… You have to enlighten me… You have to inform me… And just tell me… What do you see, precisely??? ********************************** I am so confident that you have noticed the color of my skin, my gender, my race, my history, and my ancestors … I am so certain concerning that, because in spite of everything, those shells are all what it matters to you… Why should you invest your time and effort in taking them off from my encrusted body, while it is easier to leave them on me, judge me, and then move on… You think you have seen "ME", don't you? Sorrowfully… Your blinded mind overlooked my bare humanity, and your glassed eyes noticed everything but not the faked stratums that were covering my realism… while I am still there…hidden underneath all that…hidden under the deposited layers, which were created by circumstances, by fate, by everything and everyone else…But not me… You have messed the chance to know the human being that I am…You messed the opportunity to be my colleague, or my friend or my partner … You messed the possibility of seeing my soul's light that glows and shines beneath all that … It is so devastating to realize that you have created your trapped thoughts and your boundaries by your bare hands, and I am so certain that the interferences of your circumstances, your fate, your destiny and your ancestors in generating your mind don't exist by any means, and denying that isn't the key of your way out, as I'm aware of the fact that I haven't allowed them to break me or change the way I see myself and I have never relayed on them in giving me excuses to be cruel, mean, and judgmental, and I have never cursed them for giving you the power and the ability to judge me before identifying what I am really like. Therefore, they WILL NOT be judged or even blamed…On your behalf…
While our wedding date which we have chosen together, and then was obliterated, is approaching, many undetermined and uncategorized feelings are rushing in my mind… I don't know what I am feeling right now, as the pain that you think you have caused could actually be handled, in relations to the destruction which you have made to our relationship, and to the thing that you once called love…And so, I don't have a broken heart, or a shattered soul... No… I am not weeping around or even staring on the space regretting every single moment that I have spent with you…I am not… even though it was such an unhealthy relationship… even though your weakness was so unbearable…even though you were gifted with the ability to ruine every laughter…every dream…every joy… As underneath my scratched feelings I knew that I have learnt my lessons…and I knew that my spirit will be raised again from the ashes…and for the first time in my whole life, I recognized what I DESIRE…What I WANT to be…and what I NEED to be doing… I have mixed of feelings, but sure pain isn't one of them…Because I DO KNOW that there is no scar in my heart or any wound left…and if I was sent back in time, I won’t hesitate letting you in, because I know, and know for sure that I will let you out while I am growing…growing to be stronger, tougher and more determinant… As for our wedding date…It WAS a celebration of the birth of our joint lives and our fresh new start… and now it IS a celebration of my recuperation of my true self … a celebration of my salvation…and a celebration of my intensification … And so, for such a celebration, which was the end result of all the things which you have and haven't said and done, I feel obligated to pay you back all your favors and let you go, totally forgiven…
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