I will not make the same mistake and delete this blog… I will not have the heart to do so… :D

But this is the end of me as a blogger… I will keep writing but I think I will not post them online…

It was an honor being a part of Jeeran’s family… and being a part of the blogosphere…

But every journey has an end… and this is the end of me …

Take care all …

At a point, I doubted its existence, and thought that “destiny” is only a word that people invented, so they can use when a hard situation happens to them, or their loved ones.

For me, it was becoming a word that I don’t want to believe in, and then use it later for numbing a pain that was smashing my heart. I didn’t want vagueness to role my life, and take over my brain. I was so committed of knowing why and when things are happening, and I simply didn’t want to take “destiny” as an answer, and then turn the page and move on to another agony.

One day, my co worker came to my office, and started chatting. I wasn’t really interested in her conversation, and she noticed the boredom that took over all my facial expressions. She wanted to grab my attention, and so she pulled my bag from my table trying to tease me, and we heard the coins scattering inside. I knew at the moment that I have forgotten my purse opened, and so the coins found its way to my bag… a better place to breathe.

My co worker, looked and me, and in a funny way, said “whatever, you will collect them back later”..

At night, my mom asked me to tip the house keeper, and so I opened my bag, took my purse, went to the house keeper, and gave her what my mom asked me to.

It was next day’s morning. I had to hurry to work, I was LATE. I quickly got dressed, put my shoes on, grabbed my bag, and hurried down stairs.

I was thrilled when I found a cab going around in circles near my house, as if he knew I was late. I ran to him, and asked him to drive me to work...

Arriving 5 minutes later, it was time to give the driver what he deserves. I opened my bag…and… for a split second I couldn’t even breathe. The purse wasn’t there! DAMN IT! I must have left it at home when I tipped the house keeper.

I didn’t know what to do, because… I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY CELL PHONE TOO! I can’t call my friends or any co worker, and even if I wanted to they might be at a meeting, and I can’t ask strangers for money, but at the end the driver should be paid. I decided to go back home, and put my position on risk, since a very critical meeting should be conducted in 3 minutes, and I had to be there.

BUT!!! I remembered that I heard the scattered coins moving around in my bag when I grabbed it, when I ran down the stairs, when I opened my bag and searched for my purse… I, strangely, have totally forgotten to collect them and put them back in my purse, since they create the most annoying sound when the impact occurs between them.

I finished the meeting… and sat for a minute … just thinking…. Why my colleague pulled my bag? Why I have forgotten to close my purse? Why the coins were scattered?..why .. why… many whys…

Again, I had no answer…

My image was saved, and by what? By worthless scattered coins…

A strange feeling tickled my heart, and brought tears in my eyes…

Now.. just now… I can say that I believed… and that I am a believer….

Because sometimes, answers can’t be afforded...

You just have to believe.

The rain concealed what was hidden inside. It was really hard to tell what was going on behind the closed windows.

They weren’t smiling, or crying, or moaning or anything… They were silently watching the pure drops of water dropping gently on the windows, leaving random and confusing traces, just like the path they were walking through. Looking closer and closer … they were holding each others hands.

Rain! Wasn’t the rain supposed to be little drops of water sent from heaven just to bless purity on this earth? Why.. and million whys will come after… why the echo of the sound of the falling drops sends a shiver to their bodies, and the later split second of silence forces their eyes to close in agony?

They don’t know anymore. The fact says they can’t be together. The whole universe was and is against them. Religion, Nationality, Social classes… They weren’t compatible in the eyes of society, culture, and people by any means … This relationship was supposed to end before it starts, because, and only because they were born and raised within families they haven’t even chosen.

It was better for them to put a tag on what they were and still feeling … and move on.

Were they cowards? By simply not admitting what they were actually feeling out loud? Were they cowards? By simply KNOWING that they met the ONE, but at the end all what they are doing is holding hands and surrendering to what they are told to believe?… The chemistry, the passion, and the similarities that they share were lost in between like a small drop of water falling from the sky on a window, trying to draw an image of romance and passion, but what it could do is leave meaningless traces behind, like footprints of a mother who lost her child.

Looking closer and closer… She is holding her purse now… and looking at him, with million unspoken words in her eyes… She then managed to get closer to him, and give him a small kiss on his cheek… and then finally, but yet hardly, said “Congratulations sweetheart, I am sure that she will make you happy!”…

 I can’t seem to express what I have inside, and it seems that I will never be able to prove that all the love and the care, which you have seen, was a very small portion of what I have within my heart…

It is so hard for me to let you know that, and feel it, as everything is vague and confusing inside me… How can I hand on all the mixed emotions that you make me feel, and after that make you feel them in return?...

 Yes… mixed emotions…

 you make me feel weak, since all I want to do is to give up everything, and change the human being that I am, because I want to be all what you want me to be… but yet you make me feel strong, because I know that you are where I want you to be, right here, by my side…

With all the love that you surrounded me, you brought joy and happiness to my life… but yet, brought misery and anxiety, since all I am worried about is to wake up one day and find you in another time.. Another place.. Somewhere else… Not there by my side anymore…

I love you because it’s you…because you rocked my world once and for all… because you make me laugh… because you make me cry… because you brought hope to my life… because you brought despair to my mind… I know that I love… with all my heart… and I know for sure that I hate you…because you waked up the crazy woman that was concealed inside me…because you made me wonder about you and me all day long … because you brought fretfulness to my sleepless nights… I hate you…because I was fine without you, as I had nothing to worry about.. I had Nothing to feel responsible for.. I had Nothing to mend because the coldness that folded my heart protected me from being crashed… protected me from every possible heart break… I hate you for melting the iciness that covered my life, and exposed me to a possible hurt… and you made my heart subjected to a probable healing process afterwards…  I hate you… because I simply love you…

Your presence in my life made the impossible possible, you simply blended my feelings and their contraries in a logical and homogonous way….. For reasons I don’t know and I am not sure of… But all I can assure you is that, those fanatical and eccentric mixtures were what I have been longing for… all my entire life…

Yes, you twisted my mind and made my world go around in circles … with no end… but … All I know is that you made every breath I gasped worth it…

I don’t know where the life is going to take us… and I don’t know if destiny is going to be our best friend or worst enemy… But all I know for sure is that, the beats of our hearts will always keep beating at the same rhythm… because there is only one unique rhythm for the unique two… and my rhythm simply have found yours…

No matter where I am… No matter where you are…The phantom of your presence will always hunt me and keep my life so real… whatever I was doing and will do…I know that I will always be blessed… because once upon a memory… I was blessed by you and because of you…

I dunno but it tickled a dream that I have always had since I was a little girl, and thought about sharing it with everybody else…

So, MY WILDEST DREAM IS…

I want to be an Academy Award-winning (Oscar) screenwriter :D

It can’t get any wilder than that!!!... :D

PS. LAUGHES …GIGGLES … SMILES… AND ANYTHING RELATED TO “TEETH SHOWING” METHODS ISNT ALLOWED AFTER READING THIS POST!!! J

I have always wondered where is love… why it couldn’t find me… why when it found me it decided to flip away in a glance … why when it flipped away I decided that I want to try again… why when I decided to try again, Love couldn’t find me…

This issue keeps me wondering all day long, specially that I have everything anyone could ever want or need. I have a great family and great friends. I am also educated, I have a new good job which I am starting to enjoy from the bottom of my heart, I can afford doing whatever I like, and I am always willing to go through new life experiences, and last but not least, I know that I am survivor. Although I have my break downs but they aren’t many. They are just phases which I go through in order to maintain the balance and then I stand up and move on.

After thinking deeply about it, I discovered that it isn’t that I need love as a feeling. It is the sense of belonging. The sense of “being someone to someone”. The Sense of “being seen”.

When I reached to that point, I felt that I have been so unfair to the things that I have, and knew that I underestimated the impact of having my loved ones in my life.

I belong to them. And they belong to me, and this is what love really is, because at the end, Love isn’t all the complicated emotions that you have when you see someone whom you are attracted to. Because with time, these emotions will start fading and will be replaced with other types of emotions…comfort, relive, getting used to …..

Love is knowing that you are in deep shit but don’t simply give a damn wooden cent for it because the sense of belonging will lead you to a shoulder which you can lay your head on and simply know that everything is alright.  So, it doesn’t need a special person to make you feel this way. It doesn’t need the presence of someone who chases you in your dreams.

This sense of belonging can be found everywhere. It is in the shining look of an orphan when someone cares, it is in a work that you like, it is in great friends that stick by your side, it is in the eyes of your parents, and it is in the family that you create. It is everywhere ….  

So… for me it so unfair to search for love from one perspective only… Yes, I know many will say that we want to build new families, we want more than that… to those who say that, your belonging is imprinted in the picture of home, of kids, of a partner… but it will never be the only source of love that surrounds you… So build that base which will help you stand with your head raised high… and then, it’s never so bad to dream for more…

So, After all, searching for love is so peculiar… so strange  … since you can find it everywhere around you… in many shapes and many forms… and these "loves" will always be a blessing you'll never know, unless you open your heart and soul for "them"...

Wonders and the caller tagged me!!!!! God, I have always loved the tag thingy =)

Here are the 6 things everybody should learn before they turn 18:

1- Don’t distinguish the person you are by looking through the eyes of others. The true person whom you want to be and who is actually “you” lays within your heart and your soul. People can underestimate or overestimate you, you are the only one who is capable of knowing your potentials, your true self, your passion, you strength and weaknesses and all that. Don’t wait for others’ flatters and compliments, and don’t be downhearted and inoperative just because someone felt like criticizing you (even if you felt it is right). Be strong, and be confident.

2- Be real, by all it means.  Don’t paint your face, don’t try to be someone whom you are not, don’t make up stories to please people.

3- Don’t change for anyone, especially the loved ones. Someone out there will appreciate you for who you are.

4- Put a plan all together, work for it. AND try to have a backup plan if things go wrong. In other words, have a purpose. Your life will be easier if you know where you are heading.

5- Write the things you want to do in your life down      , and read them every year on your birthday. This will always let you know how close you are to your dreams, how far, and how you are going to achieve them.

6- Let the love and the care of your family be the center of your attention. Love them back. I am writing this because of specific incident that had happened a couple of days ago. I know someone who has a great family, but searching for the love and attention outside, and is insecure for reasons I don’t know. Trust me, love always starts with the nearest circle, and then it grows outside. When you have a solid base, you will always know how to act when disappointments happen outside, you will never overreact. You will stand for a minute, think, get over it, and move on.

Well… That’s all for now =) I felt like writing more, but a rule is a rule after all..

Thanks wonders and the caller =)

I don’t know, but I thought that it’s easy to run away and ignore how I am feeling regarding everything around me… and me…

I kept myself busy with work and people… My schedule was going to work in the morning, hanging out with friends in the evening, and then go home exhausted and fall asleep in a minute or two (My family hated me for that!)… this is exactly what was happening in the past five months… it wasn’t my life actually… there was no input whatsoever… I didn’t grow mentally and/or emotionally.. all I have done is work and then laugh over meaningless things! I mean, what a life is that? I lost the “good balance”, which helps any individual in the world to do everything, and grow… I have forgotten all my good friends, and kept hanging out only with friends who made me laugh my heart out… I was so numb…

The problem is that, I didn’t know that I am feeling the way I am… till today…

Unfortunately Valentine’s Day brings hurtful memories that I want to get away from… I really tried to ignore the fact which says that “today is valentine”… I promised myself that I will block the complicated emotions that I have… and I kept telling myself that my gift will be watching the humorous movie which my friend told me about…

I kept blocking all the tears inside, and didn’t allow myself to feel the pain… till this moment… and now, all I am trying to do is not to let a human being see the huge rounded circles that are surrounding my eyes… and my Santa nose…

I remember how easy it was for me to write a year ago, it was something like waking up in the morning or having a cup of coffee… but now writing for me is just like trying to learn a new language or go to a place you have never been before…

I keep wondering all day long, where is that fire that used to motivate me?

I used to write a lot, and now I can't pass a sentence…

I really don’t know why, but maybe because I –as a human being- changed dramatically in the past year, I won't say that I have been through a lot and all that garbage. All I know is that the consequences of some of my decisions changed many many many things in me, in ways I could've never imagined or even wanted. My thoughts and my way of seeing and analyzing the issues around me have also changed. I am a "brand new" me… And it's just so hard for me to put the new person in me down on papers. I just can't and don’t want to admit that I feel less in love with everything around me, nature, family, friends, work and anything I have interest in… I am not depressed or sad or anything… I'm just facing the reality which says that Neverland will never be the same Neverland whom has left the blogosphere a year ago… no matter how hard I try…

But all I can say is that, I do hope from the bottom of my heart that I am not loosing the passion and the ability of writing … I hope that it isn't also gone with the other things that I let go…

She washed away sleepiness and headed to her window… It was sunrise… her favorite view…

She sat on the edge of her favorite place, laid her head and watched her best minutes in the morning occurring right there in front of her eyes… for her, there was nothing in the world more enjoyable than witnessing how the golden strings of the sun making their way into the scattered clouds and blushing the sky with millions of heavenly colors…

She kept watching till she lost all her senses that connect her with the world she's living in… and melted within the beauty of what was uniquely created… She started feeling it … she's actually a part of it… It was overwhelming how relief was flourishing from everything…and so, the need of seeing all that was meaningless at that moment… Slowly, she started closing her eyes, and empowered her ears to pick up the melodies sang by the trees and the lawn when a cool gentle wind decided to pass by… She almost felt the breeze kissing every hair in her head and taking her to another time and space…

He approached to her… and started watching the sunrise with her… his favorite view… he closed his eyes and stepped closer, smelling her hair and folding his arms around her… she laid her head on his chest…

It was their moment… their view… their life together… it was them… and only them… and nothing else mattered… they were united by their hearts and souls, and nothing in the world will tear them apart…

In his unique way, he let her know that too, and that was enough to send a smile to her face and move her hands to hold his, and scarily couldn’t find his arm around her anymore!... She turned around thinking of the worst…Now… She's awake and back to reality and to the wooden spot which she laid her head on… turned around again… and then stood still for a second absorbing the whole situation…She's awake… and she realized that she will spend the rest of her life hunted by the phantom of his presence…

She turned around again… looking at the sun shining… it's only a view… nothing so special about it…since the reason behind the beauty of the sunset, the breeze, and the songs was gone… vanquished… and will never be back… Now…  Non of that all makes sense… Nothing has a meaning anymore… now… she's numb… but unfortunately awake…

She closed the window, dragged herself to her bed, laid down with her head facing a painting of the sunset placed on her favorite corner … and burst into tears... 

People tend to think that with time you will be able to wake up every morning, head to work or school and share a laugh or two… People tend to think that with time your heart might beat again… and it might… but…. There is nothing called healing if we want to be precise…

Does time have a specific formula which fabricates what was broken or raises a phoenix from the ashes, or washes away the disappointments and the unfaithfulness???…

Does time turn a lie into truth? Or change betrayals into honesty?...

Then… how come it is a healer???

There is nothing called healing… time only freezes the volcano concealed inside that shouts for salivation… 

Time only numbs a feeling… but never take it away…

You think you have found your way and moved on… but… you are just ignoring the holes you left behind and you are just not looking back…

You think you mastered your annihilation techniques… but there is always this one moment that can take you back to that specific point of time where you lived all you fears and force you to relive them over and over again…

You think that you are ok… but the thing is… your soul was changed in the process… you aren’t the same human being that you used to be in that different time and place… So… yes you are ok… but you aren’t "you" anymore…

There will always be something that will hunt you down… whether you cared about it or ignored it or even pretended that you are way to far from being hunted by unforgettable past… deep inside, it will still know how to get you…

Those were what an eye could ever see… in her…

The bravery that shined through her eyes and the strength that was detonated by her actions were nothing but an affirmation to what was distinguished… a survivor, she was…

Nevertheless…

Digging deeper…beyond that cover… into that place… where the unspoken is heard… where the naked truth is tortured by the echo of reprimand… where secrets have no characterization… where every wrap is uncovered…

She knew… She was cracked into million pieces…..

Hunted by a past she wants to erase… The shadow of what went before keeps whispering in her ears all the time… cracking the ground under each step she's tying to take forward…

 Although it is simple to forget that specific event, it is never easy to forget the impact of that one decision and the consequences that were resulted … It distorted her life once and for all… in every aspect of her life…And will keep going on the same rhythm…

She will live her life, knowing that it is impossible to turn back the time … to that precise moment, and change the turning point into another… She will live her life, knowing that things would've been different… not in a better way, or worse… But different...

She will keep going on… knowing that she will be hunted till eternity… not because she is the son of the devil … or an angel sent from God above… it's because she has taken a decision… not a destructive decision… or a harmless one… Only a decision…

She will wake up in every morning, knowing that the image which is seen by others is a big lie… and the remained cracks will never be put together… and if that miraculously had happened, the lines that once separated them will still exist… The cracks will never be whole again…  

* Again… It is something I felt to write down… not related to me as a person…

Faultlessness… excellence… precision… perfection…

As good as they may sound … for me all I can hear is:

Walking on the edge…Collapsing… falling down down… hitting the bottom…

It is so strange how people keep torturing themselves with perfection! I absolutely have no clue regarding the reasons behind it!!! I mean, why be perfect? Why lead a perfect life? Why be the perfect husband? Perfect daughter? Perfect friend? Perfect employee? Perfect mother? Really, why this obsession? Why be so serious regarding that?

It is so bizarre how people can actually take it to a level were they lie and actually believe it!!! For those whom actually are put in such a situation, I feel sorry for them…they are fooling the world… but I am sure when they put their heads on the pillows, they will be taken to another reality by the internal echo that is heard only by them…and this is a persecute …

I am not trying to sound like a happy-go-lucky human being, because I am not that careless… I do sometimes push myself so hard to get what I want, or at least try… But, I don’t think I have ever pushed myself to the extent were I lost what makes me ME…

From my point of view, you don’t have to pretend that you have it all while you don’t…nobody actually does, if we want to be accurate…  There is always this lost piece of the puzzle which can't be found or be completed… So, the case isn’t about the completed picture… It is how you train yourself on how you look at it… and how to accept the messing piece…

To make the long story short, I do believe is that we all can be perfect by being the best we can be… by being us… not by having everything settled between our joint hands…

I was doing OK… I was a zombie…a mechanical robot… I was a numbed being…I was a meaningless heartbeat… I was a soulless organism … I was something without what makes it that something…

I was doing just fine… Nothing to worry about… Nothing to feel… Nothing to heal…

I was empty… like a hollow, cracked jar…

Not a day came by and weighted something for me… Each day was just like the day before… and tomorrow was something that lost its meaning in my dictionary… tomorrow will be yesterday… and yesterday is something that is gone till eternity…

Despite all that…I was satisfied… I was in peace… neither volcanoes nor earthquakes tried to step near my brain… I was doing OK…

And so, I honestly have no clue of the reasons behind your trip to my deepest thoughts and wonders?

Why did you decide to materialize after all these years? Why you suddenly, and without any explanations, waked up the dead?

Why ?

What life? What dreams? I lost my track long time ago…

What do you want me to do? Declare my Rebellion?

Ok… But for what? For you?? For Illusion???

But, are you an illusion??? Are you a figment of my imagination???  Or are you out there, thinking why I came into sight as well???

Either this or that, you just added more bewilderment to the confusion I already have… And I am totally hallucinating right now because of you… and you'll never know that…

* This post is not based on a personal experience… it is just something I felt writing it down…

Staring…

At the planted roses on the cheeks…

At the sunshine rising from the curls…

At the unspoken words of the lips…

Standing there… He was…

Staring at…the closed eyes of hers…

Standing there… He was…

Gazing at that beautiful face of hers…

While a drop of a small tear tried to escape, contemplation found its way within his mystified thoughts and made him wonder… Where is that monstrous yellowness that everyone was lecturing him about??

Strange the trembling that took over his body afterwards!!!… It reminded him of how it stroked him in a sudden years back… when his brain irrationally sent that message which ordered his heart to wake up…In order to show the world that the beats of his dying heart weren't actually on their last legs …and to prove that he wasn't only someone... he was someone in love…

The fog that was blinding his mind and the agony that killed every joy that was inside started to vanquish… If it was for him, he would've overflowed the space with his screams… he wouldn've cried his eyes out… He would've hated the world… He would've been angry on destiny… on fate… and on life…

But for the sake of that love that lightened up his life… For the sake of that love that wouldn't have allowed any kind of hatred or anger to step nearer… For the sake of that love that helped his eyes to overcome the presence of that yellowness that was clearly noticed by everybody else…

For the sake of that love, he decided to venerate her life that sent his to salvation instead of crying her… He decided to celebrate her years by holding her soft hand… by uniting his eyes with her angelic face as long as he can… and… by a little prayer that folded his heart with calmness and peace…

That little prayer… was only for the sake of…

The eyes that once were his…

The fingertips that once went through his face…

The heart that was singing with his…

The meaningless moment that meant the world to him…

And for the sake of…

The love that blessed his past, his present… and will definitely bless his future… and his end…

That holy moment in time was created only for them, for their eyes to speak the sacred emotions and for their souls to unite to eternity… they were there… only the two of them… along with the silence…that was feeding each second that passed by with charm, and anticipation…  

 Silence was the only thing that they have ever needed… It was the shelter they have yearned for from the first moment they've figured out the existence of their other half…

For me, Silence is just an illustration of how things have thousands of perceptions and perspectives… It is so unconventional for many of us to understand the opposite definitions and perspectives that can actually exist for the same entity…but this is how things actually work!

The world can't be compartmentalized… although people along the years tried to come up with methods and procedures to do so… But, each entity is labeled with its adjective, based on its case … Just like Silence… it can reflect its magical and passionate traits when two are longing for it as an existence of privacy and intimacy, but it can also reflect the natures of  boredom and alienisms when the spring that combines two together starts to loosen its elasticity…

No need to be critical regarding anything in this world… you can't say that silence's presence reflects joint lives or torn ones…Each case is unique… No matter how hard others try to categorize things, with the "good" and the "evil" expressions, with the "successful" and the "failure" terms, with the "black" and the "white" phrases, with the "spiritual" and "secular" adjectives…. Still, it is hard to place the whole individuals or things at one level only…

It is a matrix that contains thousands of possibilities, which is ready to be mixed, and thus new events or new personalities will be created accordingly... Being judgmental by relaying on familiarity or on a specific experience will help not only in isolating you from experiencing new things, but also in creating a small container that will trap your thoughts and ideas and feelings from being freed……

I didn't create my blog in order to turn it into a diary, but yesterday was exceptional and the morals which were hiding in each minute I spent were worth experiencing and I was aware of that …

Before I start talking about yesterday, I think I have to take you back in time to related events, in order to be aware of the situation I was put in.

Five years ago…

I transferred from one school to another while I was pursuing with my Bsc., and what I have done is that, I haven’t told them that I am transferring, because I didn't want to go through the "Clearance" Process, as most of us ,who studied in Jordan, know it's boring, and time consuming since you move your legs from one building to another "collecting" signatures from people you have never seen before, just to guarantee that you haven't misused the university's services which you have never knew of its existence!!!.. Anyway, I asked for my transcripts, which I was given, and then turned my back and moved on…

The day before yesterday…

A lady at the Higher Education asked me to provide her with my transcripts of my previous university, since I have transferred and all my marks of the courses I have taken were marked by "PASS", and they needed every transcript and every mark I have in order to pursue with the equivalence process of my "American Master Degree"!!!" –What on earth do they mean by that?-

 Yesterday…

6:00 am – 8:30 am

 It was a working day, and so I had to excuse my supervisor for a leave…

The university is 1 hour far from my place, and so I waked up, put my tennis shoes on (mom won't like that :D ) and drove my way to the university… it was early morning, because I didn't want to be caught in overcrowded places or be stuck in a traffic jam as I wanted to finish early because I have my work waiting!...

Arrived to admission building… Paid for transcripts fees… went to the transcripts' division… The man typed my name… stared at the screen… gave me the CLEARANCE FORM and said "do it, then come back!!!"

Moral (1): Don't turn your back to things; deal with them at the spot.

8:30 am-10:00am

 I moved my butt from one building to another, gathering the signatures…Nobody checked for my name on any system, they just took the lousy form, signed it, stamped it and then gave it back to me. The only guy who was "smarter" than all of them, asked me a very fastidious question "Do you have any loans?",  I said "No" , and then……. He signed!!!

Moral (2): If you don't benefit from a process you have, get rid of it! You know what? Maybe they wanted me to know the signatures of people I don't know??? You know, in order to improve the way I sign papers…

10:00 am-10:30am

I was asked to hand my university's ID, I was like "Dude, it's been like 5 years ago since I have seen it, I don't have it"… The guy asked me to pay for it … I discovered that I don't have enough money, and so went to the ATM machine and did what I had to do…

After my form was signed on that criterion, FINALLY, I went to the Accountant in order to hand them the form, and guess what? The same guy whom I paid the money to for the ID card informed me, "miss! You have 10JDs in account!!!"

Moral (3): You should check people' account before letting them pay for transcripts and IDs!!!

10:30 am

When I was informed that, I laughed… I really did!!! I laughed from the heart, and the poor guy was confused, but I felt good in a very strange way!!!

Moral (4): Laugh!!! Even though you want to fight the world, fight it while you are laughing…

10:30 am-10:35am

I went to claim my money, even though it is only 10JDs , but hey! They asked me to pay for that ID card in the first place, so what goes around, comes around!!!

I was given 9.500 JDs , and the guy said "Miss, the half JD is for stamps, look at the document", I was like "I can see that the document says I have to pay 0.5 JD for stamps, but the question is… where is it? I want to see the stamp which I have paid for!!!"… I smiled…

Moral (5): To universities, if you want me to give you half a JD, just say so! Don't give flashy names to half a JD!!! It's 0.500 JD!!!…and please try to find more impressive ways in collecting money… half a JD??? Stamp??? NAH!!!

10:35 am-11:00 am

Was handed my transcripts, and headed to work!!!

Moral (6): Bad times, boring times, and hard times… will eventually vanquish :)

     Imprinted footprints are all what is left from everybody who passes the path of life…

This is a fact that can't be denied by anybody, dead or alive, although each footprint has its own characteristics… own depth… own destination… and own story… some footprints are imprinted deeper than others…Some footprints are steadier than others … But at the end, we all in a way or another have left our tracks behind…

    For most of us, all what we want is to have bottomless and steady traces… As deep imprinted footprints for everybody means determination… passion… power… strength…success…

   As always, we take what we are offered, and searching beyond all what is seen by our bare eyes isn't something that we are good at…

   Have you ever thought that the trepidation of facing the unknown or stepping one step forward might be the cause of the paused stand for some of us? Have you ever thought that the bottomless footprints might give you a clue that the people behind are drowning in their spot?

   Have you ever thought that the steadiness of some footprint means that the people behind have their eyes covered and simply know no other way to go?

Have you ever thought that the consistent footprints might be a clue of a lost soul that has to live in denial and move towards alternatives rather than dreams?

   Some people do what they have to do… They have to show the whole world that they are successful and they doing great after what they have been going through… But, loosing themselves in the process makes all their footprints pointless, and hollow…

   Some people don't know what they want to do… They stand still in their position, fearing to be someone or something, fearing to contribute, fearing to fail… So, the pauses which dig their footprints deep in the solid ground aren't the natural results of wisdom, but are for sure a consequence of discrepancy…

   Not all rooted footprints have rebel hearts behind, and not all shallow footprints hold a surrendered spirit…

   So, for me, I'd rather have shallow footprints and a fulfilled life and soul, rather than having only footprints that talk about an unforgettable glory and a spectacular success…

I wrote this for your 53 birthday, and wanted to post it on that special day in order for you to read it, but you know, how lousy we are as a family in keeping surprises… We just don't know how to do that :)

Daddy,

Being on this day sends me back in time to the day when I was five years old, when you were trying to teach me how to tie my shoe laces, and I was arrogant enough to decide that I don't want to watch you and I started looking somewhere else rather than trying to learn… You smiled to me, you just knew that I was inherited your brain, and kept doing it anyway…

Being on this day sends me back in time, to the day when I was seven years old, when my sister and I entered the room, and saw the table lamp which we wanted for our room but never told you so, and you just felt that, and bought it to us… you were hiding under our studying table… happy to watch us delighted by your gift...Did you know that all what I have seen back then was that your light overshadowed the light of your gift???…

Being on this day sends me back in time when I was ten years old, when my baby sister was two years old back then, and she simply decided that she was old enough to put my mother's make up on!! She was confused when she saw the reflection of the work of art she had done on her face, she approached to you… You just looked at her, comforted her confusion with a gentle smile and a camera's flash…

Being on this day sends me back in time, when I was twelve years old, when I was sick, and you took me to the lab in order to do some tests… and helped me to feel comfortable to take my samples…That was a day that will always be detailed in my mind…

Daddy…

I really don't know, but this special day sends me back in time, to the sweetest memories, and to the toughest memories… and in each one of them you were there…With your presence, with your love, and with your support…

Daddy, you created an impossible formula that positions yourself in our lives with different roles…

 you are having you as a brother, and as a friend, but also we are having you as a discipliner and as an advisor and as a father…

You taught me all I know about how to be myself, and how to be proud of the person that I am…and to never compromise with that…  You taught me how to be serious, but also to be someone who's down-to-earth and someone whom you have fun around…You taught me how to have a price that can't be paid by anybody or anything… I learnt all that from you…

And you won't believe that, but the wrong decisions that I have made, I made them because I haven't actually paused and thought about them, as I knew if things go wrong, you will have my back… I was 110% certain about that…and I knew that you will be the shoulder that I can cry on and I knew that you will help in changing things for me if the path I have chosen led me to consequences I haven't thought about or considered  … or at least , make me feel comfortable about it...

Daddy, I know that nobody's perfect… But you are… to my mother, to my sisters and to me… Words fall short to describe how amazing you are to us…

Daddy… I was blessed and honored from the first day I was born because I was brought to this world as your daughter, and it is something that I will always cherish and be thankful for…

I really wish I could pay back 1% of the joy and happiness that you brought and still bring to my life…I really wish I could pay back 1% of the support that you have provided and still provide me with… I really wish I could pay back 1% of all the understanding that you have showed and still show to me…

Daddy, Thank you for being who you are and Thank you for being my Dad…

Maybe all I want to say is that, I love you daddy…May Allah Bless you…

When I was certain about all that…

I found love… standing with its head raised high, as if it was waiting for me, to declare, that in spite all the soreness and pain I see or feel or touch or face, it will always be there, and will always rise above all that… and will exist no matter how hard it was forced to be drawn away…

I found it there… impersonated in the form of a man and woman… in the middle of their thirties…She laid her exhausted head on his shoulder, with her eyes closed and his hand hugging hers… and that was it…

In that despicable place ,It is really awkward to have a direct eye contact with someone who's not wearing a badge, since that someone will be then either a patient or his/her loved ones, and the feelings that their eyes will transfer to you can be painful and unbearable, as you will be given an uncategorized mixture of feelings which will be squeezed all together in one pot with vague boundaries that, unquestionably, will crack your soul; as it is so hard for you to control your boomed emotions that accompany such a one-second acquaintance.

Each eye you look at, can easily hand over fear, agony, weakness, anger, frustration, desperate hope, and hatred…all together… It can donate all that and more…

But, the calmness that folded that area, in that moment in time, gave me the needed confidence to look straight to his eyes…

All I have seen was love… no worries… no pain… no fear… just love…

In that split second, his eyes spoken to mine, saying that "I am going nowhere…I am here…through the good times…and through the bad times…I am here…not because I HAVE to…but because I WANT to"…

Love was there…I found it there…or maybe it found me...just to prove that I was wrong, and for the first time in my life, I am so happy that I am!!!

Yes…please do that… I want you to gaze at me…I want you to look intently…You are given the absolute authority to do that…and after that, I want you to hear me begging you … hear me imploring out loud, piercing your ears, deafening them…This is my command  and you have to hear my call…You have to answer my inquiry…

You were endorsed to peer, and now you are required to react according to that reliance…

You have to enlighten me…

You have to inform me…

And just tell me…

What do you see, precisely???

**********************************

I am so confident that you have noticed the color of my skin, my gender, my race, my history, and my ancestors …

I am so certain concerning that, because in spite of everything, those shells are all what it matters to you… Why should you invest your time and effort in taking them off from my encrusted body, while it is easier to leave them on me, judge me, and then move on…

 You think you have seen "ME", don't you?

Sorrowfully…

Your blinded mind overlooked my bare humanity, and your glassed eyes noticed everything but not the faked stratums that were covering my realism… while I am still there…hidden underneath all that…hidden under the deposited layers, which were created by circumstances, by fate, by everything and everyone else…But not me…

You have messed the chance to know the human being that I am…You messed the opportunity to be my colleague, or my friend or my partner … You messed the possibility of seeing my soul's light that glows and shines beneath all that …

It is so devastating to realize that you have created your trapped thoughts and your boundaries by your bare hands, and I am so certain that the interferences of your circumstances, your fate, your destiny and your ancestors in generating your mind don't exist by any means, and denying that isn't the key of your way out, as I'm aware of the fact that I haven't allowed them to break me or change the way I see myself and I have never relayed on them in giving me excuses to be cruel, mean, and judgmental, and I have never cursed them for giving you the power and the ability to judge me before identifying what I am really like.

Therefore, they WILL NOT be judged or even blamed…On your behalf…

I don't know what I am feeling right now, as the pain that you think you have caused could actually be handled, in relations to the destruction which  you have made to our relationship, and to the thing that you once called love…And so, I don't have a broken heart, or a shattered soul... 

No… I am not weeping around or even staring on the space regretting every single moment that I have spent with you…I am not… even though it was such an unhealthy relationship… even though your weakness was so unbearable…even though you were gifted with the ability to ruine  every laughter…every dream…every joy…

As underneath my scratched feelings I knew that I have learnt my lessons…and I knew that my spirit will be raised again from the ashes…and for the first time in my whole life, I recognized what I DESIRE…What I WANT to be…and what I NEED to be doing… 

I have mixed of feelings, but sure pain isn't one of them…Because I DO KNOW that there is no scar in my heart or any wound left…and if I was sent back in time, I won’t hesitate letting you in, because I know, and know for sure that I will let you out while I am growing…growing to be stronger, tougher and more determinant…

 As for our wedding date…It WAS a celebration of the birth of our joint lives and our fresh new start… and now it IS a celebration of my recuperation of my true self … a celebration of my salvation…and a celebration of my intensification …

And so, for such a celebration, which was the end result of all the things which you have and haven't said and done, I feel obligated to pay you back all  your favors and  let you go, totally forgiven…

I had a fair thought before writing this down, as I don't want to appear like someone who rarely has a good laugh, or someone who struggles with what life has to offer , Nevertheless, my encouraging inner part which had told me that it is necessary to terminate all such thoughts from my nerve system won over the discouraging part of me…

100 people die from their smoking habit everyday…

89 people died from a train crash yesterday…

70% of the diagnosed people with cancer die…

………………….

And the list can be kept going on…

………………….

When I hear such estimation, dominated thoughts take control over my brain, and keep me wonder…

What are the 100 peoples' names?

How many beloved ones the 89 dead people left behind?

What were the 70% dreams and desires before they were diagnosed with cancer?

Were they good people? Were they bad people? What was their last thought? Did they maintain the light of hope shining,or they just lost it while they were struggling? Have they lost their lives when their souls surrendered and had their last breathe taken, or were they only walking bodies without souls, loosing their lives years before they actually die?

What were their hobbies? What were their saints? Were they bullies? Were they angles?

What Kind of human beings were they? How did they lead their lives? What was their daily activity like? Were they the head of the house, or the neck of the society?

Life can be so unfair…

No matter whom they were and how they acted and interacted with everything around them, No matter how good or bad their decisions they have made, they don’t deserve to be treated ONLY as:

A Number

A News headline

A statistical result of a calculated equation

A primary data

They don't deserve to be treated simply as an unknown… As an anonymity… As an abandoned child… As an ignored pain… As an unwanted insect… As a disregarded conscious…because they simply aren't…

They were a part of this universe…They were a part of the life's system, and their presence and their contribution in all the events they participated in changed the lives of the people whom were touched, and affected by the things they have done, and by their existence…They were known…They were somebody to someone…

Instead of taking my part in the "Play Station" game they were discovering, or the cards' game they were playing or watching them dancing like psychos –as usual-, I saw everybody staring at the TV screen, watching a previously recorded episode of Oprah's Show!!!

For a second, I thought that everybody was taken over by an evil spirit or something, as I have never seen them so interested in shows like that…I didn't know why everybody were so focused on what has been said  until I took my place and started watching myself…

Oprah has gathered numerous of guests, who are experienced in something called "The Secret"…

"The Secret" they were talking about, was the secret that helps you lead a successful life, or in other words, the life that we have always wanted and desired, by controlling your thoughts and ideas in a positive way that forces the worlds' positive energy to reply back…Based on a scientific evidence, which says that we are all made of energy and everything else in this world, the followers of such a principle takes it as a justification to their claims they were presenting…Unless you have good thoughts about yourself, the world will be harsh, since the positive energy interacts only with the positive energy...

From my point of view, I was so surprised that well-educated people –like my friends- started to soak up such a philosophy…

WHY??? You may ask…well…I have given it a thought, and this is what I came up with:

Opportunities…chances…any event that someone might face during his journey is a fact, and has nothing to do with energy…positive or negative…Such events are made of the interactions that happens between different people and the choices that were made…The difference that happens here, which makes a successful person and a lousy one, is based on their personalities and their self-image as well…

To make myself clearer…I have always imagined the personality and the self-image as a pumping system attached to a Sifter…

Strong, well-determinant personalities always pump in opportunities…They know what they want, what they are looking for…what they need…They "sniff" what makes them grow…The sifter they have will filtrate those chances that only suites them best according to their self-image…If they "see" themselves as manipulators, they will take the choices that fits best that category…if they "see" themselves as decent people, they will take the choices that guarantee that category…

As for the lousy personalities, they will suck in nothing…because they are so scared to take steps forward, and so their adoption to change won't exist, unless they learn how to have control over their life and the choices they make…

For me, and from what I have said above, I can safely say that "The Secret" is nothing but the ability of the human being to make choices…The ability to take a step forward…to be adventurous…and to know how to take the good events along with the bad in order to grow tougher and wiser…

After all, I guess they named it "The Secret" only to add suspense and anticipation to the story, because the human nature is always "allergic" to anonymity and mystery…

Not because you turned out to be a manipulator, but because you have opened my eyes on the fact which says that I am so naive…

I despise you…

Not because of your broken promises, but because you made me realize that sometimes I can't take a man's word for granted…

I abominate you…

I detest you…

Not because you turned out to be an evil spirit, but because you have clarified to me that people can easily hide their true-self underneath their innocent faces and faked smiles…

And I hate you…

Not because you really deserve that, but because you taught me how to…

The birth of this blog is my new Birthday… It is my inner revolution of winning what I deserve…Winning back my determination that helps me to be "me"…Not what Everybody else want me to be…But be "me"…and Only "ME"…